On August 3rd, I turned 21 *woo hoo* =]
This milestone birthday brought a lot of questions into my mind:
What am I doing with my life?
What are my goals?
I’m more than halfway to 40????
In this brief evaluation of life as I know it I realized my passion for writing has always been smothered by my insecurities. In fact, up until now I can probably count the people who have ever even read anything I have written on one hand. Too paralyzed by self-doubt to ever bear my heart and tell the world what I truly think or feel. Life is too short to bottle emotions and keep moments whether good or bad to yourself. True, some things are private; but all any of us really want are a witness to share our lives with. Someone to acknowledge that we touched them, even in the smallest of ways. Someone to acknowledge that we have left a legacy. So why not write about the things most important to me?
My family is everything to me. My amazing husband and beautiful boys, I could not ask for more. The moments I share with them each day are priceless, every day brings a little something new. Challenging, yes; but everything worth having is.
My husband and I bring our scars and flaws from our own pasts. After all, our families help make us into the people we become. Some days I cant stand them, but every day I love them. I have come to realize that even though I have grown and changed and blossomed into my own woman; I am still rooted in my heritage, my memories, and the many imperfections. Regardless of mistakes, differences and flaws, I know they will always be there for me, and I for them.
My faith is the pillar by which I live my life. This does not make me perfect or self-righteous. I will be the first to tell you how flawed I truly am. Apart from Gods grace I am nothing. I have walked dark roads, been alone and confused, made choices I am not proud of, made mistakes I cannot rectify. I have hurt people, I have hurt myself. I have lied and cheated, stolen and swore. I have been selfish and cruel, and I have wished that my life would fade away into nothingness. And in all of the sins that I have chosen over God, I regret nothing. In all of my sins, God brought me to a place of brokenness and humility, and from the ashes He created beauty and life. God let me walk through the darkest of times, because it made me that much stronger, and that much more grateful for His amazing grace. Faith is my compass to show me the way. Faith is my life line to Christ. Faith is the essence of who I am, and who I hope to someday become. Without faith, my future is damned and all is meaningless, and I know that God’s purpose for me, is far beyond my wildest dreams.
All my life, I have been filled with fear, doubt, self-hatred, unworthiness and insecurity. That is not who God called me to be, and it certainly isn’t who I want to be. Why should I be afraid of others? The only being I should fear is God. Fear of judgments and disapproval will no longer hold me back from simple joys like making new friends, and embracing my call as a woman.
Fearlessness burns in my heart. I don’t want to avoid eye contact so I don’t have to see the judging eyes of on-lookers. I don’t want to be a wall flower because I am too afraid of revealing my flaws to let anyone truly be close to me. I’m going to say what I think, write what I feel. I’m going to love unashamedly and enjoy the life I have left. After all, every day is a gift. I don’t even know if I will wake up tomorrow. All I know is that today, right now, all I have is this moment, and I’m going to live it to the fullest.