Currently I find myself suffering from writers-block, which has inspired me to share some of my old work.
So, each week I will be featuring various tidbits of my writings from high school in “Throw back Thursdays.”
It’s strange for me to look back on where I have come from.
My writing style, emotions and thoughts have greatly evolved over the last six years (which is a very good thing lol).
I used to only really write when I was sad or frustrated.
As a hormonal and confused teenager, something about putting my thoughts to paper helped me sort through my mess of emotions and circumstances.
But strangely, even though most of my writing was writing out of the depths of sadness, it brings me great joy to read it today.
I see how lost, alone and miserable I was; and then I see how loved, blessed and accepted I am now, and it brings tears to my eyes.
So here is me, at some of my most vulnerable, mixed up moments.
It’d Be Nice
No one ever promised I would walk an easy road,
But a smooth spot on occasion would be nice.
No one ever promised me a multitude of friends,
But just one I could genuinely trust would be nice.
No one ever promised I would go without heartbreak,
But just to meet one person that would love me would be nice.
No one ever promised me a life without regrets,
But I never realized how quickly they would multiply.
Trust seems impossible for me.
Love seems impractical.
Simplicity is a word with a definition comletely foreign to me.
So I ask you, when, if ever, does it get better?
Is there such a thing as the good life?
Such a thing as good times?
As even a moment where everything is right with the world?
Don’t give up.
It’s all going to be okay.
I tell myself these things every single day, but I cant say I truly believe a word of it.
The choices I have had to make in the last year or so are some of the hardest I have ever had to make.
Most people have the luxury of living a lifetime without having to face such hardship, and at seventeen I have already been through so much.
That light at the end of the tunnel isn’t even a dot to me anymore.
It seems whatever hope or plan God ever had for me is the furthest thing from my reality.
I am slowly losing myself in these feelings,
Subconsciously, I am starting to give up.
It be nice to know that everyone I care about won’t one day abandon me.
It’d be nice to know that everyone I love isn’t going to betray me.
If that’s the case, then honestly, what’s the point?
Why subject myself to day after day of torture and turmoil?
It just keeps getting harder, and I’m not sure how much more I can take.
I guess it’d just be nice,
To believe in something again,
And in myself.
From this dark place, God brought me to such incredible light.
I remember the night that I wrote this piece,
I remember how hopeless and helpless I felt.
And you know what?
In my desperate cry for help, God heard my plea.
He took me on a journey,
And he gave me just enough strength to get out of bed each morning.
The courage to breath in and out.
And the comfort to keep me from drowning in my own tears.
If it wasn’t for His grace, I would not be here today.
And for that and so much more, I am eternally grateful to have been so blessed.
I wouldn’t want to relive it,
But the pain and hardships made me so much stronger.
I am who I am because of them.
Blessed, loved and here, to tell you the story of His grace and mercies.