Sometimes I feel like my days blend together.
The constant stomach aches,
The inability to eat.
I’m exhausted and the last of energy trickles down to my munchkins.
Honestly, it all starts to feel a little like a blur.
I feel like I am waiting for something,
I don’t know what exactly, but something.
I’m waiting to feel better.
I’m waiting to feel rested.
I’m waiting for life to make sense.
I’m waiting to feel excited about waking up,
Instead of cursing the alarm every morning.
I’m waiting for the sunshine to come back.
I am one of those people who is prone to depression,
And winter is the worst.
I hate cold, so that translates into me becoming some what of a hermit to avoid the frigid temperatures.
Winter is often gloomy and grey,
And I need sunshine in my life.
Sure, my kids are my sunshine
blah blah blah.
And they are, really.
But I feel on edge,
Even though I couldn’t tell you exactly what I am on the edge of.
I feel like I just trying to get through the days,
The weeks and months,
And skip to the next phase of our lives.
This season feels so hard and long and lonely.
My husband is so busy,
And my kids are so young,
And so needy.
I want to enjoy this time,
When they are little and adore me
But sometimes it is just so hard to see the blessing in it all;
Past the constant mountain of chores to be done, phone calls to make and things to be organized.
Somewhere in all the hustle and bustle I just find myself holding out for a break or a nap or the weekend.
I don’t want to live like that.
I just feel like I have forgotten how to change that.
How do I stop looking ahead and enjoy today?
How do I keep from wanting to pull my hair out,
Or cry from exhaustion,
Or just scream?
I am always at the bottom of a list a mile long of all the ways I’m failing because I don’t have the energy or time to take care of it all.
It doesn’t seem all that long ago that life made sense,
And I had a grip on it all.
Is being sick really that life altering?
Being pregnant and a full-time, stay at home mom is something I have never gotten to do.
It’s different and challenging and boy is it hard!
I feel like I am treading water,
Working my hardest and fighting with all my might to keep my head up,
But I’m getting tired and boy could I use a life raft.
I know I have to keep swimming,
Keep working, and fighting.
Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.
Gosh, I love Finding Nemo.
Sooner or later it will all work out.
I just wish I had that peace right now I so long for,
But never quite seem to be able to grasp.
Blessing 45: Pixar
-And all of their wonderful, heartwarming movies that bring a smile to my face.