My life and the world from my eyes

Decade March 31, 2012

Filed under: Blog 365,Family,Inspirational,Life,Marriage,Parenting,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 10:16 pm

I had a wonderful surprise when going to the mailbox this evening.
A letter from a dear friend.
Its funny how in this day and age of texting and email and facebook how rare an actual,
physical letter from someone really is.
As I read her words I felt instantly reconnected to her,
And an overwhelming wave of sadness hit me as I realized just how long it had been since she left.
Six years this October since her Dad got a promising new job that moved her family from their lifelong home in Crown Point Indiana all the way to Houston.
Just a few short weeks before Anthony was born,
He was seven months old before she ever actually got to meet him.
My life at that time was stormy at best,
And the Crowe family served as a surrogate home during my seasons of hardship.
Almost every weekend we spent in their pool,
Or hanging out watching movies and having giggly girl time.
Their leaving marked a change in my life in many other ways too.
A few short weeks later I went from being a sixteen year old girl to being a mother,
And my childhood,
And my best friend were all gone just like that.
I never have found another friend like her.
Another friend that I could share everything with,
Another friend who just understood everything about me,
Even if it wasn’t really even something she agreed with;
Understanding without a real explanation ever needed.
As the years have passed so much has happened;
My first job, my wedding, my first home, three (soon to be four) children;
A whole lifetime of milestones.
Still, there will always be this place in my heart that can never really be filled by other friendships.
A genuine love and connection that only a sister can feel (and I have four sisters so I know lol).
I have this box of pictures and mementos in my closet of times with alanna;
Maybe I am just a hoarder but I love things like that,
Tiny memories of all those moments that have faded.
I miss her so much.
I miss her as a person,
And who she was in my life.
And every year that passes feels like a lifetime.
Texas feels like a million miles away,
And may as well be as often as we don’t get to see each other.
But still, even as we have built these brand new lives and grown from girls to women,
I will always accredit so much of who I am today to our friendship and all that it did for me.
No matter what,
Whether we talked last week or six months ago,
I know that whatever I need, whenever I need it she is always there.
I know that we will always be friends regardless where life takes us,
Because our friendship has a foundation that proximity has no effect on.
We have history that gives us the strength to live our lives always knowing,
We have each other.
We are different people now, sure.
But a part of me, and of her, and a part of you,
Always has that child in it.
That innocent little girl that giggled until 3 am with her best friend,
Who played in the snow,
And played dress up.
Who painted nails and put on too much make up.
Who laughed about boys,
And cried about boys.
Who danced to cheesy pop songs,
And took hundreds of pictures of ourselves because for some reason it made us feel pretty.
The little girl is always there,
And that wont ever change.
And that best friend that we shared all those memories with,
That wont ever change either.
Its been a decade since Alanna and I first met.
Ten years of living our lives.
Ten years of growing and changing and laughing and learning,
A decade of memories to share.

And heres to many many more decades of friendship,
A friendship I know will never end,
And I am eternally grateful for.



No Justice, No Peace. March 21, 2012

Filed under: Family,Inspirational,Interracial,Life,Marriage,Parenting,Racism,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 10:43 pm

In the world we live in today,
People love to dismiss accusations of racism with a roll of eyes and the assumption that its just an overly sensitive individual crying wolf.
If only.
Racial stereotypes are alive and well.
Racism brews beneath a barely concealed surface.
It is passed down from one generation filled with ignorance and hate,
On to the next.
People embrace what they have been taught,
And teaching hate is second nature for people around the world and yes, in America.

By now, virtually the entire country knows the name of Treyvon Martin;
A seventeen year old boy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time,
And was confronted by the wrong person.
He will never know his fame.
He will never graduate from high school.
He will never hug his parents again.
He will never get to grow up and have a family of his own.
He will never take another breathe.
He is dead.
His crime?
Being black, and wearing a hooded sweatshirt in a white neighborhood.
Walking home on the phone with a bag of skittles for his brother,
He was deemed “suspicious” by a man,
And so that man felt the need to take Treyvon’s life.
A bullet to the chest for walking down the street is legal?
How can this be?
How can it be legal to kill a young black man for no other reason than his presence makes you uncomfortable?
How can such hate be tolerated?
How can a person put a bullet in the chest of an unarmed child,
And walk away scot free with the simple claim of self-defense?
They cannot be allowed to.
We cannot let this happen.
Because once behavior like this is tolerated again,
All we have gained over the last half a century since the civil rights movement,
Is lost.

My husband is black,
And all four of my sons are bi-racial.
Although their blood is just as white as it is black,
They will be identified by the world as “black.”
I have no problem with that,
But many people do.
We live in a predominantly white community,
And so this scenario could very well happen in my own backyard.
The thought of my children walking down a street as young men,
And a man being able to shoot them dead for no other reason than the fact that my son being on his street makes the man feel threatened,
Makes my blood boil.
It does something inside of me that I cannot explain.
What kind of sick, twisted police officers responded to that 911 call?
How could they see that young man laying there,
With a bullet to the chest and a bag of skittles for his little brother,
And not feel the same rage that I do?
How can any of you hear about Treyvon’s story and not feel a righteous anger and a burning desire for justice?
How can Zimmerman be allowed to walk free,
While an innocent child that he slaughtered is laying in the ground?

As I read the details of that night in dozens of articles my rage only intensifies.
People say far too often that racism is no longer an issue and people need to stop being so sensitive.
Each time I hear those statements I have to fight with all my might to keep from smacking them.
The only person who can say that racism is dead is a person who is too blind to see it effecting others,
And has never in fact experienced it for themselves.
The fact that they have never been a victim does not make racism dead,
It simply makes them one of the few lucky ones;
Or simply too ignorant to be able to identify it.

One thing that has made me the most angry is that Zimmerman’s family actually have the audacity to say “Zimmerman has many black friends and family members,” as though that somehow means he cannot be a racist.
News flash: a black person marrying into your family, or being nice to a black neighbor, or ever being friends with a black person, does NOT mean that you are not guilty of ever stereotyping.
It does NOT mean that you are incapable of committing an act of racism,
And it certainly does NOT make Zimmerman anything but guilty of murder.

As the country erupts with a call for justice,
We must take a look at our own hearts.
If you feel that burning desire to help,
Do something and sign and share the petition to Florida authorities demanding justice.
If you feel nothing,
Then ask yourself what it is in your heart that does not wish for justice for an innocent life lost.
Our America is supposed to be a country of freedom,
A country of equality,
And a country of justice.
We have fought long and hard,
Countless lives have been lost defending this land,
And those lives need to be honored by us doing our part and making sure that people pay for their crimes.
WIthout justice,
Without honor,
What are we made of?
If we don’t stand up and fight this system,
And demand that a killer be tried for his crime,
It will never end.
More lives will be lost,
More families shattered,
More children murdered in cold blood.
We cannot allow future generations to grow up in a land where you can legally be executed for walking down a street at night.
We cannot let this happen.

I urge you to fight and band together and refuse to be silenced.
Without justice in this land,
We will never know peace.
Fight for our children,
For the America of tomorrow.
Fight for the peace we all so desperately desire.
Fight for what is right,
And do not stop until good has defeated evil.
The blood of the innocent cries from the ground,
Do not turn a deaf ear to its plea.
Do what is good and noble,
For if not you and I,
Who will?



Its A Boy March 20, 2012

Filed under: Family,Inspirational,Interracial,Life,Marriage,Parenting,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 8:20 am

For the last few weeks I have felt kind of like this cloud is hanging over me.
Our ultrasound was approaching,
And until I knew the sex of our baby,
I was more than determined not to get my hopes up either way.
I will admit it,
I am still a little girl at heart.
I love to play Barbies and dress-up and dolls with my niece,
And I love the thought even more of having my own little girl to play with.
Pink, sparkles, and nail polish and princess,
I love it.
And I have dreamed for many years about raising a little girl,
Learning to braid her hair,
And teaching her how to accessorize.
And playing dolls with her.
And watching her grow into a young woman.
First crushes,
And Prom,
And her wedding day.
Someone to giggle with,
And stay up late talking to,
And to truly be able to relate to.
Her name would have been Aaliyah Jean;
Jean, after Melvin’s grandmother.
A part of me was determined not to hope for a daughter,
Because what kind of mother is disappointed when she learns the sex of her child?
But deep down in my heart, I just couldn’t help it.
And so we went into the dark room and I laid on my back.
I took a deep breath and I watched the screen as a strange looking image of our little alien baby appeared.
Deep down I was expecting a boy,
In my heart I just kind of knew it was;
And sure enough,
I was right.
And so there it was,
No disputing that one.
His tiny little legs above his head,
And we saw it.
And as much as I tried to keep my composure and still be excited,
I felt my face fall,
And I fought back the tears.
You see, pregnancy is a very difficult thing for me,
And Melvin and I had both agreed that this would be our last baby.
We started when I was sixteen,
And I am ready to move on and see an end to the diaper and midnight feeding stage of my life.
We had both agreed that this would be our last baby,
And so it was official,
I will never have a daughter.
That realization hung in the air,
Echoing over and over again my mind.
It seemed so surreal,
Like a strange dream.
How could the hope of something I had wanted so badly,
Just be gone?
I was quiet as we drove home,
I was determined not to feel sad,
And especially not to let it show.
I felt so guilty for being upset,
And for fighting back the the tears.
I was just hoping no one would notice.
But my husband did,
Of course,
He can read me like a book.
And he did his best to comfort me,
And hold my hand and make me feel better.
But nothing seemed to help.
It almost frustrated me more he felt so badly,
Because it’s not like either of us had a choice,
Or it was anyones fault.
It just was.
But still,
I felt like a dream had died.
Lot’s of women don’t care either way,
Lot’s of women only want boys;
I wish so much I was like that.
I wish every time I see baby girl clothes,
Or walk past something pink, or princess or daisy,
That my heart didn’t hurt a little.
I wish I didn’t feel that way.

Maybe I wouldn’t have been a very good mother to a girl,
Maybe I would have messed her up.
I know that God has a plan for everything,
And I know that four boys is exactly what Melvin and I were supposed to have.
So maybe its a comfort to me,
To know that this worked out as planned,
But I can’t eliminate that underlining sadness,
And sense of loss.
Maybe its because we have had her name for so many years,
It made her seem real,
When she wasn’t.
She was a dream,
Something beautiful,
But she was simply never meant to be.

I love my boys.
I would not trade them for a million girls,
I would gladly die for any or all of them.
My life is so much richer and better because of them,
I cannot imagine a world where they did not exist.
My sons love me.
They tell me how beautiful I am.
If they think I am sad,
They gently place their hands on my cheeks and kiss me,
And tell me how much they love me.
They are helpful and kind,
And the sweetest, most wonderful children I have ever known.
I look at my kids,
And their sunshine filled smiles,
And I know this little man growing inside of me,
Will fill my life with just as much joy and wonder.
For some strange reason,
Knowing that doesn’t make me feel any differently.
Maybe I just need to get used to,
And accept this new realization.
I have five months to get ready to be the best mommy possible to this little angel,
And I know in that time I will be spending every moment falling in love with him.
So cheers to basketball games,
Soccer matches and friday night football.
To baseball games and wrestling in the mud,
And frogs and worms and sticks and dirt.
To cooking lots of food at meal times,
To always having someone to take out the trash,
And mow the lawn,
And do heavy lifting.
To never having to have that time of the month talk,
And to never having to share my clothes or jewelry.
After all, boys are much less expensive than girls,
At least until they get into video games.
Cheers to a lifetime exactly the way God intended it,
Because truth be told,
Thats the only life I want anyway.



New Directions

Filed under: Blog 365,Inspirational,Interracial,Life,Marriage,Parenting,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 7:58 am

Its been nine days since I last blogged,
Which basically means I have become a huge slacker in regards to this whole blogging everyday thing.
But lately, I just haven’t felt like writing.
Indiana has been experiencing some freakishly warm weather,
St. Patty’s day being 82 degrees just doesn’t happen,
So with that my boys and I have enjoying as much of the great outdoors as we possibly can.
When I started this blog
It was meant to be an outlet for my thoughts and feelings,
Me uncensored, if you will.
But I feel like it has turned into more of a journal with me documenting the mundane,
Every day junk that comes with motherhood.
Let’s be honest,
Diaper duty isn’t exactly a page turner.
Anyway, at this stage of my life,
I feel like I just do not have the time and energy to give this blog my all on a daily basis.
I am still going to write,
But not everyday.
I’m going to write about things that strike a cord with me,
And things that mean something.
So with that being said,
Now that the pressure is off a little,
Please check for many more entries,
As often as I possibly can.
I still love to write,
But the demands of three (soon to be four) kiddos under six,
I’m going to take a more laid back approach,
For my own mental sanity,
I need my blog to be something I love and not just another thing on my daily to-do list that I have to feel guilty about if I am too tired to do.
As always,
Thank you so much for reading.


Beast Mode March 10, 2012

Filed under: Blog 365,Family,Inspirational,Life,Marriage,Parenting,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 10:44 pm

Today was Anthony’s last soccer game,
And boy did he go out with a bang.
He ran as fast as his legs would carry him and played his little heart out,
And scored a whopping eleven goals!
So proud.
It surprised me a little how much I enjoyed being a “soccer mom,”
But it really was a great season and a wonderful time.
The chaos of the herd of little ones scrambling frantically after the ball,
The swell of enthusiasm from the sidelines as each players little cheering squad urges their child to get in the game.
The sound of shoes squeaking on the gym floor,
And their rosy cheeks and tiny beads of sweat of their foreheads.
The best part,
The part I don’t think I will ever forget,
Is the priceless look on Anthony’s face whenever he scored.
His brown eyes lit up and danced,
His smile was from ear to ear,
And every time he looked straight over at his daddy for affirmation he had done well.
And to see his daddy clap and smile,
That was all he needed to feel proud of himself.
It’s funny how we are like that;
No matter how excited we are about something,
We need someone we care about to reassure us,
Even with just a glance,
That we have a reason to feel great about ourselves.
“Beast Mode!”
Thats what my boys all say (which they learned from daddy) to describe someone kicking butt at anything really,
But especially sports.
Today our little guy was certainly a beast,
And I couldn’t be more proud.


Blessing 67: Competition
-Being competitive isn’t always a great thing, but it sure is a great way to make a kid feel great about hard work and a job well done.


TGIF March 9, 2012

Filed under: Blog 365,Family,Inspirational,Life,Marriage,Parenting,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 11:10 pm

To say that I really really really look forward to the weekends,
Is an understatement.
Friday’s just can never seem to come soon enough,
And although Monday’s really stink,
It is never until about Thursday of each week that I truly remember just how much I love Friday’s.
Day care kids all week long,
The weekends are my time with my boys and hubby to just catch my breath.
And without that time to catch my breath,
I am truly afraid I would lose my mind.
Today was a different Friday for us but in a good way.
Mel was off work and so he was able to do what he does best and put the fear of God in the munchkins.
So every single one of them took a three hour nap today,
And every single one of them listened like God himself had come down and spoken to them.
It was heavenly.
My little sister Bekah is home from school for spring break,
So we got to have dinner with her and her boyfriend Alec.
I miss everyone hanging out as a family.
I actually cooked the last two nights as well,
Which I didn’t do for like the last two months because the smell of food was absolutely unbearable.
So happy to be slowly bouncing back to a semi-normal.
Every day gets a little easier.
Down side to today was that the diamond from my wedding ring fell out of its mound this morning.
Although Jared will replace it because we have a lifetime warranty,
They said it will be almost a month before I will get it back.
I feel so naked without it,
But I am soooooo glad it is getting fixed.
I can’t wait for the rest of this weekend,
It is way too easy lately for me to get depressed,
And I really think I need to focus on the positive and try to think about the many many good things in my life.


Blessing 66: Chill time
-Whenever, however it comes; weekend or not, it is an absolute necessity to sanity.


Toothless Thursday

Filed under: Blog 365,Family,Life,Marriage,Parenting,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 10:55 pm

Thursday – March 8th

The hubby got two teeth pulled today.
It was kind of a traumatic experience for both of us,
Since neither of us had ever gotten a tooth pulled before,
Or really been around anyone who had.
I had no idea there would be so much blood.
I do not do well with blood.
And being pregnant does not help with the queazy feeling in my gut at the sight of it.
Men are helpless, especially when they are under the weather physically,
But I was happy to help.
After all, he has been helping me quite a bit over the last few months.
Long long day of running around,
And of course the day he isn’t feeling well I’m not feeling well either.
I guess sometimes that is just the way the cookie crumbles.
(lol Bruce Almighty, haven’t seen that one in forever).


Blessing 65: Dental Insurance
-After over a year without it, it sure is nice to be able to take care of our mouths again.