For the last few weeks I have felt kind of like this cloud is hanging over me.
Our ultrasound was approaching,
And until I knew the sex of our baby,
I was more than determined not to get my hopes up either way.
I will admit it,
I am still a little girl at heart.
I love to play Barbies and dress-up and dolls with my niece,
And I love the thought even more of having my own little girl to play with.
Pink, sparkles, and nail polish and princess,
I love it.
And I have dreamed for many years about raising a little girl,
Learning to braid her hair,
And teaching her how to accessorize.
And playing dolls with her.
And watching her grow into a young woman.
And her wedding day.
Someone to giggle with,
And stay up late talking to,
And to truly be able to relate to.
Her name would have been Aaliyah Jean;
Jean, after Melvin’s grandmother.
A part of me was determined not to hope for a daughter,
Because what kind of mother is disappointed when she learns the sex of her child?
But deep down in my heart, I just couldn’t help it.
And so we went into the dark room and I laid on my back.
I took a deep breath and I watched the screen as a strange looking image of our little alien baby appeared.
Deep down I was expecting a boy,
In my heart I just kind of knew it was;
And sure enough,
I was right.
And so there it was,
No disputing that one.
His tiny little legs above his head,
And we saw it.
And as much as I tried to keep my composure and still be excited,
I felt my face fall,
And I fought back the tears.
You see, pregnancy is a very difficult thing for me,
And Melvin and I had both agreed that this would be our last baby.
We started when I was sixteen,
And I am ready to move on and see an end to the diaper and midnight feeding stage of my life.
We had both agreed that this would be our last baby,
And so it was official,
I will never have a daughter.
That realization hung in the air,
Echoing over and over again my mind.
It seemed so surreal,
Like a strange dream.
How could the hope of something I had wanted so badly,
Just be gone?
I was quiet as we drove home,
I was determined not to feel sad,
And especially not to let it show.
I felt so guilty for being upset,
And for fighting back the the tears.
I was just hoping no one would notice.
But my husband did,
He can read me like a book.
And he did his best to comfort me,
And hold my hand and make me feel better.
But nothing seemed to help.
It almost frustrated me more he felt so badly,
Because it’s not like either of us had a choice,
Or it was anyones fault.
It just was.
I felt like a dream had died.
Lot’s of women don’t care either way,
Lot’s of women only want boys;
I wish so much I was like that.
I wish every time I see baby girl clothes,
Or walk past something pink, or princess or daisy,
That my heart didn’t hurt a little.
I wish I didn’t feel that way.
Maybe I wouldn’t have been a very good mother to a girl,
Maybe I would have messed her up.
I know that God has a plan for everything,
And I know that four boys is exactly what Melvin and I were supposed to have.
So maybe its a comfort to me,
To know that this worked out as planned,
But I can’t eliminate that underlining sadness,
And sense of loss.
Maybe its because we have had her name for so many years,
It made her seem real,
When she wasn’t.
She was a dream,
But she was simply never meant to be.
I love my boys.
I would not trade them for a million girls,
I would gladly die for any or all of them.
My life is so much richer and better because of them,
I cannot imagine a world where they did not exist.
My sons love me.
They tell me how beautiful I am.
If they think I am sad,
They gently place their hands on my cheeks and kiss me,
And tell me how much they love me.
They are helpful and kind,
And the sweetest, most wonderful children I have ever known.
I look at my kids,
And their sunshine filled smiles,
And I know this little man growing inside of me,
Will fill my life with just as much joy and wonder.
For some strange reason,
Knowing that doesn’t make me feel any differently.
Maybe I just need to get used to,
And accept this new realization.
I have five months to get ready to be the best mommy possible to this little angel,
And I know in that time I will be spending every moment falling in love with him.
So cheers to basketball games,
Soccer matches and friday night football.
To baseball games and wrestling in the mud,
And frogs and worms and sticks and dirt.
To cooking lots of food at meal times,
To always having someone to take out the trash,
And mow the lawn,
And do heavy lifting.
To never having to have that time of the month talk,
And to never having to share my clothes or jewelry.
After all, boys are much less expensive than girls,
At least until they get into video games.
Cheers to a lifetime exactly the way God intended it,
Because truth be told,
Thats the only life I want anyway.