faithfamilyfearlessness

My life and the world from my eyes

Growing Pains August 20, 2012

Filed under: Family,Growing Up,Inspirational,Interracial,Life,Loss,Marriage,Parenting,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 9:40 pm

Just got a phone call from Anthony’s school, reminding me about their parent open house tomorrow evening.
It surprised me how close to tears I came as I heard the cheerful recording on the phones other end.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow we meet my son’s Kindergarten teacher.
Tomorrow we get to see his classroom.
Tomorrow we meet all his new classmates.
Tomorrow my son becomes an elementary schooler.
I dreamed of this day, even when he was still in my belly.
I wondered what he would be like as a “big kid.”
I wondered how I would feel,
And how school and growing up would change him.
And after six years of wondering and dreaming,
I am still not prepared for this day.
I am bubbling with fear and questions and insecurities.
Have I prepared him enough?
Have I taught him all that he needs to know?
Will the other kids be nice to him?
Will he makes friends?
Will he learn quickly?
Will he enjoy it?
Will he remember all the values we have tried to instill in him?
Will he miss me as much as I will miss him?
The last few months I have tried so desperately to suppress all of this,
Focusing on the new baby and all the wonderful new changes that has brought into our lives.
I have tried not to think about how huge this is.
It seemed so far away, and just one of those “I will worry about that later” kind of things.
And now its here.
Its real and right in front of me,
And I have to face the fact that my first born son is really growing up,
And there is nothing I can do but accept it.
My husband and I have raised him, and will continue to do so long after tomorrow,
But we just have to trust we have done what we can and given him the very best of us,
And now it is time to let go a little and watch him flourish as his own little man.
I cant be with him every day, all day anymore.
I cant protect him from everything that is out there.
I cant fight off the kids who will be mean,
Because kids stink and they are all mean sometimes.
I cant keep him in a bubble.
I have thought about homeschooling him lots of times,
But that was before there was a whole other kid added to the mix.
The prospect of trying to take care of four kids, two of which are under two,
AND homeschool still makes my head swim.
I know my limits, and that was just not an option for me in this season of my life.
Still, the more I think about sending him off into the great big world,
The more I want to say “screw it! I’ll figure out a way!” and keep my little guy little for a while longer.
I know I cant do that,
But boy do I want to.
I guess this is a little bit of me growing up too,
Not just Anthony.
He is ready, and he is excited.
I’m not sure I am,
But I am praying with everything in me that I get there,
Within the next 24 hours.
I have to let my baby go,
And trust that God has him and everything else in his control.
I have to have faith in the decisions my husband and I have made together,
And believe that regardless of my doubts we chose the right thing for our family and son.
Who knew it would be this hard?
I never thought it would be.
I know I am going to miss him so much!
But hopefully it will make his time at home that much sweeter,
Because we will have a chance to miss each other during the day.
We are all growing up it seems.
Anthony into a young man,
And mommy into a grown up with elementary aged children.
Truth be told, I couldn’t ask for a better son.
He is so kind and sweet and sensitive to others feelings and emotions.
He has the biggest heart, and genuinely cares about others.
He is so smart and bright and funny,
And boy does he make me laugh.
He loves to be creative, whether its art or building things.
He is such a helper, always taking care of his brothers and even me!
He is a jewel in the truest sense and I am so blessed to call him my son.
I cant wait to see what the future holds,
And what a wonderful young man my little boy will grow into.
Yes, he has a bright future ahead of him.
He is so smart, and above all he is ready for this.
I am just trusting that even if I don’t know it just yet,
God has prepared me for this also.

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Missed Memo August 13, 2012

Filed under: Family,Growing Up,Inspirational,Interracial,Life,Marriage,Parenting,Random — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 9:35 am

Today is August 13th.
Peanut was supposed to come yesterday,
But yesterday came and went with…nothing.
Not a single contraction.
Guess he missed the memo.
Apparently my youngest is also going to be the most stubborn.
Boo.
Sure, my technical due date isn’t until the end of the week,
But I am getting a little impatient.
I’m not usually very good at the whole planning ahead thing,
Yet somehow everything is in its place.
My kitchen is stocked to the brim with food and treats so I wont have to worry about grocery shopping for a little while.
The babies room is organized,
Every outfit and toy and blanket its in place.
I am caught up on all my laundry (which if you know me is a big deal).
The bassinet sits at the foot of our bed,
Empty, and looking as anxious to have a baby to fill it as my arms are.
If only school wasn’t starting for Anthony and Mel next week,
I really don’t think I would care at all when this baby came.
But I know I am going to need a hand for a couple of weeks after Peanut is born,
And Mel can’t very well miss two weeks of classes.
Work yes, school not so much.
Anthony’s first day of Kindergarten is also next week,
And I would REALLY hate to still be in the hospital or be in labor and miss his big send off.
But at the same time I am totally against being induced unless absolutely medically necessary.
So that leaves me in this wonderful position of staring at my belly,
Talking to Peanut,
Trying to convince him to come out and say hello to the world.
Powerless as I am, I’m still okay.
Perhaps this is a final lesson in patience before I become a mother of four.
Either way, sometime soon, its going to happen.
Whether at the most convenient,
Or the most inconvenient of times,
Baby boy will get here.
Now if only I could think about something else for five minutes it would make the wait much more bearable…

 

52 August 11, 2012

Filed under: Family,Growing Up,Inspirational,Interracial,Life,Loss,Marriage,Parenting,Racism,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 10:39 pm

Another low key evening for me spent watching the Olympics with my boys and waiting for my hubby to get home from work.
After visiting the wolds of Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest I found myself checking up on my blog.
I found a link I had never noticed that breaks down views by country, and found a list of over 52 countries all around the world where people have read the words I have written within the last six months.
I felt a little choked up.
I had never realized just how far and wide my posts have touched.
And maybe every person who read them wasn’t a fan,
But maybe, just maybe, some of them were touched.
Maybe something I said made a difference in someones day,
Was a bit of encouragement,
Or made them feel a little less alone in the world.
Thats all I have ever wanted,
All I have ever hoped for in my writing,
That because I pour my heart and soul out to the world,
To someone, somewhere it will make a difference.
I cannot begin to tell you how humbling it is to know that a part of that dream has come true for me,
That all over the world I have been a part of people’s days,
Even if only for the couple of minutes it takes to read one of my posts.
God is good.
It’s that simple,
I consider writing a gift and a huge blessing,
The ability to verbalize what I think or feel is amazing.
Maybe I am not as articulate as some,
I certainly don’t see myself as anything amazing,
But I do know that not everyone can say whats on their heart,
And I thank God for giving me the words.
Every post may not always be pleasant,
But it is truth as I see or feel it,
And I think thats all anyone could ask for.
There are plenty of other great writers who have reached far more people than I have,
But for me,
A girl born and raised in a small town in Indiana,
52 countries around the world is a pretty big deal.
I am truly blown away.
I guess what I really want to say is thank you,
All of you,
Anyone who has ever taken the time to read one of my posts,
Or to share it with others,
You have touched me by supporting me,
And your views and comments and love and encouragement fuel my dream more than you will ever know.
I am so humbled by the love that I have felt from so many of you,
I cannot even begin to express just how much each of you mean to me.
Dream big and keep on dreaming.
You never really know just how much is within your reach,
And all that God will bring in your path.

 

Waiting Game August 8, 2012

Filed under: Family,Growing Up,Inspirational,Interracial,Life,Marriage,Parenting,Random,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 10:51 pm

Evenings are my favorite time of day,
And least favorite all at the same time.
My three little munchkins sleep peacefully in their beds,
Gently snoring like little bear cubs.
And although the peace of a quiet home is a moment to savor,
I am restless and bored waiting for my husband to come home.
Tonight feels a little bitter sweet though,
I will be 39 weeks pregnant in a little over 24 hours,
And our boy could come any day;
And when that comes I am wondering how long it will be before I have one of these nights again.
Even as I write this,
I can run my hand up and down my stomach and feel my boys back,
Just beneath my stomach, wedged in tightly is his little bottom,
Which he seems to love to jab into me and cause an intensely uncomfortable feeling.
My back is throbbing,
Simply from living day to day it seem.
But I’m so in love with this little boy,
And all the discomfort will be well worth it.
Its just a waiting game at this point,
And I laugh a little as my organs seem to find new hidden crevices to be jammed into as our boy continues to grow.
He seems so big,
I honestly almost wonder how he will get out!
(And no, not a serious question, three kids already so I do know where babies come from lol).
Yes, I can play the waiting game as long as I need to,
But I hope its over soon.
I’m ready to meet this little guy,
And begin the next chapter of our lives as a family…