faithfamilyfearlessness

My life and the world from my eyes

Empty Beds December 15, 2012

Filed under: Family,Growing Up,Inspirational,Life,Loss,Marriage,Parenting,Thoughts — faithfamilyfearlessness @ 3:28 pm

My heart is truly broken today.
All I can think of are those sweet children, whose blood cries out from the ground.
The world is filled with others who echo my sentiments of grief and devastation.
I can’t even imagine the pain of the families who are now eternally broken, missing a priceless piece that can never be replaced.
I can’t imagine the suffocating grip on their lungs as the words spewed from the other end of that phone; the call that changed their lives forever as news of an unspeakable tragedy spread.
Breathlessly waiting for word, searching for the faces of their little angels in the crowded chaos.
Screaming, crying, and horrendous images flashing before them.
It didn’t seem real.
This cannot be real.
As more time passed, realizing your child had still not been found and praying that perhaps they were hiding, waiting for it to be safe to come out.
The seconds pass by slower and slower, time seems as though it is standing still.
And you suddenly see it: a policeman is approaching you, his head hanging, his eyes brimming with tears.
His word hit you like a train, violent and unforgiving with unimaginable weight; knocking you off your feet.
Your worst nightmare has manifested.
Your baby is gone.
You will never be able to look into their eyes again and see that unconditional love that filled every fiber of their being.
They will never run to you from across the room and call your name with excitement, simply because they missed you.
They will never again wrap their tiny arms around your waist and whisper “I love you.”
They will never be with you again.

You suddenly regret every time you were impatient.
Every single moment you lost your cool, yelled or didn’t have the time for whatever it was that they wanted or needed.
Now you can never take that back.
You are out of time.
There are no more second chances.
There are no more fun days to make up for the nights you couldn’t be home to tuck them in.
No more pajama days and snuggle time.
No more movie nights with popcorn and over sized blankets.
No more bedtime stories or homework help.
Every moment you treasured, and every second you took for granted has been stolen, in the blink of an eye it’s all gone.

Their bed will never be slept in again,
Their toys remain scattered on the floor.
Their Christmas gifts will never be opened from its shiny wrapping.
Every hope and dream you dared hold onto, for the future and your lives and your family, has vanished.
Everything is empty now.
Nothing makes sense.
No amount of comfort can bring back your baby.
No amount of kind words or good deeds can numb the overwhelming and uncontrollable sense of loss.
Their life has not only ended, but your dreams, your reality has died with them.

I grieve for those families.
My eyes brim with tears as empathy overwhelms me for the loss they must be feeling.
Why?
Why have these innocent little ones been stolen from this world?
A gunman coming into a school, and slaughtering babies as they wept and screamed and begged.
He killed them as they cried.
He killed them as they pleaded for their mommies and daddies.
Their hearts racing with paralyzing fear.
There was no one to save them.
There was no one who could have stopped him.
Evil manifesting in the purest, most unimaginable form.

School’s are thought of as a safe haven for children,
Their classrooms and friends and teachers are meant to represent stability.
This image of security is now shattered,
As I contemplate sending my little one to school tomorrow,
Nausea and anxiety is all but overwhelming me.
I know there is nothing I can do to control the world around me,
And there is nothing can stop some things like what happened in Newton, Connecticut.
Knowing that doesn’t make me or the rest of the country feel any less violated.
I feel as though we have been ruthlessly raped of any innocence we still possessed.
Every day it seems the news is plagued with images and stories of shootings and violence and death,
But this?
Murdering children the same age as my son.
Taking their life without remorse or regard.
Executing the innocent without motive.
I lay next to my husband and breath in his scent,
Listening to the gentle snores of our infant.
Our children are the single most important things in our lives,
Without any one of them my whole world would fall apart.
How do you go on from such a tragedy?
How do you move forward when something so precious has been stolen for good?
I don’t have any answers for you.
I don’t know when it is exactly the families of the victims will be able to go an hour, or a day without weeping.
But five hundred miles from my home, those parents are fighting sleep.
Some of them will be laying their children to rest tomorrow,
Something no parent should ever have to do.
The darkness is all around them, but all they can see is their child’s face.
Their angel’s empty bed is haunting,
There is no rest in sight for their weary souls.

All I can do is pray that God comforts them as they grieve.
All I can do it be grateful I got the gift of one more day as a mommy to my four boys.
Nothing can be taken for granted,
None of us know when it will all end.
None of us know when the world as we knew it today will be forever changed with the mark of evil,
And leave us with empty beds and hearts.

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